OUR STORY - TODAY (2009)
Living with a Bipolar Spouse or Bipolar Loved One
Growing in a Bipolar Relationship
Life is good. It is different than we had planned or dreamed of, but
we are closer, stronger and in many ways – happier. Even with mental illness. We have
adapted, changed roles and responsibilities and created a wide range of tools to deal
with Mark's mental illness. We have also listened to Grandma Moses and pursued our dreams.
In July, 2005, we attended the NAMI Convention in Austin, Texas, taking with us our blue prints for the 4000 sq. ft. upscale residential group home we had decided to build. After two years of DBT Therapy and intensive study, Debra began pursuing her Masters Degree, while continuing to define the role and mission of the Meehl Foundation and its programs. Debra decided that we could help more people if we built a home with a retreat concept having couples come and spend the weekends with us, learning how to save their relationships and rebuild their lives. She also felt that we could use two of the rooms as a group home and have people come live with us and go through a complete Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) program. After driving along the Texas coast and visiting numerous towns we discovered the Lake Jackson area and purchased two acres of land at the end of a quiet country road on the edge of Brazoria, Texas.
We sold our house in Gilbert, Arizona and moved to Texas in January, 2006. The local newspaper ran an article on the Meehl Foundation, how we planned to help the local community and what we intended to do at our home. Our future neighbors went nuts! They filed a lawsuit to stop us from building, or operating the foundation, and began harassing the workers at the property. They would run out into the street, in front of fully loaded dump trucks and other vehicles, trying to stop them from reaching our house at the end of the street. It became a nightmare, as their actions escalated they began filing complaints with every county, state and federal agency they could find. We began joking that if I, or anyone with a mental illness, began acting like the neighbors, we would be hospitalized and tranquilized.
We returned to Eugene, Oregon, just as the economy careened into recession, forcing us to deplete our savings. We spent the next five months in a green, lush environment, under gray and rainy skies, increasingly depressed and concerned about our situation. We needed a change, we needed jobs, and we needed sunshine.
After numerous delays, the court finally ruled on the suit and, ignoring the Fair Housing Act and Texas Legislation and Law, found for the neighbors and barred us from doing anything at our property with anyone who had a mental illness. This seemed to include even visitors. Our lawyer told us to keep a log of everyone coming to our house. We met with Advocacy, Inc. in Houston and filed an Appeal in fall of 2007. Advocacy is an excellent organization, whose sole purpose is to help and represent individuals with a disability. What to us had seemed like a simple case, now had become a much more serious issue as group homes for mental illness suddenly may be barred from opening anywhere in Texas. The seriousness of the issues involved helped take some of the edge off of the frustration and irritation of the wait to open an get on with our dream. However, the wait proved to be an incredible blessing in many ways. God is good in the face of adversity.
The time allowed us to focus on helping other families learn to live successfully in a bipolar relationship, providing resource information, discussing with them what they needed to know, should consider and absolutely had to do, to survive. At conventions and conferences we met with doctors and researches, concerning the latest work on Bipolar Disorder and Families, Resources and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. In January of 2007, Debra met Lucinda Johnstone, a Licensed Therapist in the Lake Jackson area. They attended training with Behavioral Tech in Seattle, Washington. After completing the "Intensive" six month training in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), they began working with families, providing therapy and skills training, combined with Life Skills coaching. Debra completed her Masters program and earned her Doctorate in Divinity, while she and Lucinda began having success in their efforts to help families and individuals.
Through all of this, we have had to learn how to live fully and successfully with Mark's Bipolar Disorder and the impact it has on our lives. Mark's mania had left us $40,000.00 in debt, behind on our credit cards and surviving on our wit.
We have learned to accept and embrace Bipolar Disorder. This doesn't mean that we allow it to run our life, but simply to accept its reality and to make the most out of the situations we find ourselves in. Just as in anything in life, by accepting the reality of Mark's Bipolar Disorder, we acknowledge that Mark is no longer able to do many of the things that he did in the past. He no longer works a traditional job. The simplest tasks can, at times, seem insurmountable. His short term memory stinks and he obsesses over others, without regard to their importance. As a rapid-cycler his emotions can swing wildly. Our now-grown children called it the "good crazy" or the "mad crazy" dad.
Yet, we also accept that we can beat this illness. That through medication, therapy, meditation and each other, we can have a life of happiness, fulfillment and success. Mark can once again become the person he was before he became sick, by making changes in our life, accepting new roles, developing signals, setting boundaries and working together, we can have stability more often than we have instability.
Our roles changed. Mark's illness opened up a new and exciting career for Debra that provided additional income to Mark's disability checks. The foundation allowed Debra to work from home and stay close to Mark, thus helping him deal with his mixed mood swings. Mark learned to become a house husband and took on the important task of keeping the house running. Unable to work, Mark has been able to pursue writing and working on projects for the foundation without the triggers and emotional chaos caused by deadlines and obligations to others in a traditional job. By being willing to look at all of the possibilities we have found a life that works for us.
The most important thing we have learned is to be a team. Through mood charts and keeping a calendar log we are able to identify changes in mood and to have more focused therapy sessions as issues are clearly identified. We understand the importance of open and honest communication. This allows us to ask in a non-threatening way, how Mark is feeling, if he is off, or if something is going on. Together we can discuss the current situation we may find ourselves in and mutually decide which distress tolerance skills or emotional regulation skills will help. We have learned what signs to look for. Mark's brows furrow deeply when he is triggered and his right hand will begin to shake. Both are excellent predictors that something is happening.
Through our meetings with hundreds of other families, we know that what we are doing and what they also are doing, is working. Professionally, Debra and Lucinda see the positive results of DBT Therapy and Skills Training in the lives of families and individuals every day. Through a willingness to work harder than you ever have before, a desire to live the life you deserve and a commitment to medication and therapy, you can have the life you deserve.
With the start of 2009, we continue to wait on the court's ruling, and working on the property and our program, while we wait to welcome our first residents. The Foundation's Mission continues to grow and we travel about the country meeting with families and professionals in an attempt to help others avoid the mistakes, the learning curve, and the frustration of what we went through to get to here.
JUNE 19,2008. IT IS OFFICIAL. THE COURT HAS RULED IN OUR FAVOR. THE MEEHL HOUSE IS OPEN.
Contact us for bipolar information
The Meehl Foundation, Inc.
P.O. Box 2089
Brazoria, TX 77422
Recommended Reading:
Friends and Family
Bipolar Survival Guide
Table of Contents
Click for Tele-Therapy
Debra Meehl, DD, MSW
Pastoral Counselor
DBT Therapist & Skills Trainer
Board Certified Hypnotist
President, Meehl Foundation
